When You Give Up

The hardest and strangest thing to say right now as I sit in the waiting area of the urology center in SGH, is the fact that in feel extremely numb to the fact that my GD is going for an operation with a 20% chance of having a heart attack. Maybe numb isn't the word, peace? Would you call it? Maybe. But other than that, I feel a lot less worried than I have before these many operations that he's had.

I'm really tired and it's real early in the morning so let me just be frank about it.

It's up to God what happens within the next few hours.

I think somehow somewhere in time, I think I've heard that there's nothing wrong with praying for something, wanting something, of course I want my GD out alive, my whole family loves him. But I feel that sometimes we need to PRAY FOR and accept what God wants.

Praying for and accepting are two different things. Jesus asked that the cup of suffering be taken away from him when he was about to be crucified and at the end still concluded that God's will 'be done'.

When have i ever prayed this. Maybe like... Never. But I think that in this case I have. God knows how much i hope and want my GD to be out without any problems. I don't have to tell Him, He knows(ok la I still did).

But when things are completely Not under your control, it just means acceptance. Accepting what God wants la. Yes la. If you cannot sense it by now, I think it's very obvious to say that since he might get a heart attack, I think we're all hoping he won't die.

I feel pretty much detached from my family when they seem to be so worried for it. Truth be told, it's cuz I've been there and done that

What do I mean?

Close friends will know that after my China trip, I cried about it a few times just cuz I know that I would be real sad if he's gone. I've accepted that there's really nothing wrong with missing someone and yet be happy for whatever they've lived out and happy for the fact that they'll go to a better place. But of them all, missing is the worse.

I cried and ohhhhhh yessssss I did. And that's why when my family, whether online or in real life is real worried about it, I feel like I've been there done and done that. And looking back now, this is how I feel. I just donno what more I can want or say.

But I'Ve given up. Cuz God knows what He wants. And I know He's Gpd., He's smarter. To accept that means to accept that whatever happens, it's better than whatever I want.

So much has happened, but so little time to reflect on it. Sucks big time, i have so much i wanna say to you all and no time to pen it down.

LONG TIME NO POST

Anyway hi guys, so yes, april, my birthday month has passed and I ha vent been blogging.


I just feel constantly tired. TIRED. More tired like I sleep super early. Anyway this month,


I went to California for a robotics competition


I celebrated my birthday


(I lost my phone in the US too)

Well those are honestly the highlights.

But term seems to be going really fast, and maybe it isn't as well, but I can't help but feel like life is so different now. Not to mention that i failed 2 of my HL subjects:( I STUDIED FOR THOSE TWO SOMMORE.).... yes, alamack... nasi lemak. But seriously....

So yeah... I underwent some reflection about it and i realised that maybe I'm now so shocked that I'm failing cuz... well everything previously was honestly through the grace of God, without Him, i couldn't have survived Os. I did so well in sec school(OK FINE, LOOKING BACK, I REALLY ADMIT THAT I DID DO WELL OK, OR LIKE... ok fine... not well, clearly above average and definitely alright). Maybe I think I may have gotten ahead of myself and thought that i could do it on my own, no amount of studying actually does make me more well versed. I think its the wisdom from God which He blessed me with that really made all the difference.

And i think I haven't taken the time to actually acknowledge that. So yeah...

Not saying that don't study can pass. Don't study means... Means you're nuts la. Its just, I need to remember that I did well, because of god's grace, that He gave me wisdom, He gave me strength and everything that I am is because of Him.

I honestly have to admit also, that I cannot help but really question if I'm in the right school.

Like maybe its because I'm not really having fun. I used to wake up in MG actually LOOKING FORWARD TO SCHOOL. Now I'm not close to my class like in MG or like i was to my OG, I feel lonely switching from class to class all the time. I'm in a non-intact class which means I keep moving from class to class, my actual class is very... er..... i donno how to say, I only know the result is that everyone doesn't talk to everyone. Or at least i don't talk to everyone. I CANNOT CLICK LA. THEY ALSO CANNOT CLICK...

I feel socially awkward.

And I won't deny, but I keep wondering what would have happened if I went to ACJC(refer to a post from a few posts ago).

Like yeah.

I wondered if i changed God's plan for me in my life... by changing school.

And I believe that if God wants you to do something, you'll get there, its just, the route might be different. And i'm wondering if its worse of that what I was supposed to be on.

Like yeah. I've been pretty down lately.

I think its right to say that i can hold on to the hope in God that I know that one day when I get to heaven, its gonna be perfect and i might not remember any of these things, but what seems very interesting is that... well....

I donno when I'll get there. And til then, I gotta keep walking in the light and living in a way which would be pleasing unto God. Which also isn't easy to do.

But to hold on to a hope, that's strong. There's joy in it. And I'm waiting...

CCA wise...

For my favourite CCA, that's PRIMERS ;D

I love it so much, but I feel at times like i cannot commit. I feel like I can't even get my act together in terms of school work. I can't volunteer to plan this and plan that, even though its the thing about IB which makes me feel like... well like this something so special.

I really wanna do more... its just, how can you do more and be considered responsible when your grades so bad.

Council

Also sometimes wondering if its the right decision. Haha. I'm excited to serve in whatever strange way, when all the events come in and I think that's gonna be soo interesting and wonderful. I think we're gonna be a great batch of kiddoes.

Just that I pray that God will be the focus of our school and we'll work knowing that. I think that's my biggest prayer for council. We're not the center of the school(as was said in a meeting and it took some time to sink in before I approached an ex-co kid to say how i felt cuz i was a bit retarded and never spoke up cuz brain took a while to process><) .

CF

OMGOSHHHHHH(now people say cannot say 'omg' cuz its misleading, though, please know that if i use that acronym, i mean oh my gosh)...

I WANNA GO BUT NO TIME. ARGHHH...

Will make a conscious effort to start appearing at the meetings tho.

Robotics

Hmm... A lot to say but i donno what to say, honestly...

K guys. Thanks:)

I Really Wonder Why I Struggle

I guess there are something's that I really do wonder about.

I really wonder why my mum is so strict and restrictive and she doesn't let me go out whenever I want. I dont go out all the time, im not a party animal and i dont constantly go out, ok. Everytime she does so, I tend to get quite pissy and the same thought comes mind, that I don't like her, cannot respect her blahblahblah.

Which is of course extremely mean and horrible of me. God wouldn't be proud. Sometimes I think it's because I'm bad at handling some situations and stuff and sometimes I think really, maybe she just is too strict and then i question our relationship, I question our personalities and I find that all in all, I don't know who to blame. I just never blame myself. Which doesn't make me blameless.

Of course as a reader now, you'll be thinking, Keri is so immature.(haha I'm reading what I'm writing) I do sound immature, but I'm saving my comments about my mother, because I know that flaming someone on the net isn't a good thing. God won't be happy.

But how Dyu respect someone you find so unrespectable. I think God is trying to teach me that. That's why there's difficult people in my life.

I also find it hard to be a good testimony for God when all I can think about is doing bad things. Or getting around my mothers restrictions which would then involve disobedience. Disobedience is a great temptation.

I'm actually a really bad role model for anyone. Because I admittedly disobey her a lot. Sometimes I really cannot tank her and so I just go ahead and do what I want. Which is bad.

Not saying I don't love my mum. I do, I really look up to her she's a veryvery generous woman and there are many traits which I honestly admire in her, it's just........ Yeah.

Sincerely this is one area in which I can hope to grow in. I don't like telling people about it cuz well... This is a very unique situation.

Even though the boy Jesus obeyed his parents when they asked him to leave the temple and follow them. And even though Jesus knew that by right, he should be allowed to be in that temple, supposed to be there to preach and what not, he left and followed them home.(see Luke 2:41-52)

I think God knew that many years down the line, a very naughty disobedient bad girl called Keri would struggle with these same things. And Jesus set that example for me. I just need to do that, be obedient and seriously cut out the attitude.

Sometimes you can't move the mountains, you pray, God doesn't move the mountains, you just have to move yourself around the mountain. And I wonder how I'm gonna do that. Change myself. I Donno how. Only God can change me and yeah. We'll just have to see how it goes.

So yeah. I really wonder. What's wrong with me, what I should change about myself. And I really wonder when she's gonna let me do what I want(before I wrote this, I didn't ask for anything except a chance to attend the girls retreat on Friday night, I even said I wouldn't sleepover and she said no).

Another thing I really wonder, is.... Well I forgot:( it was something important but I was too absorbed writing and thinking about the first one...

Oh yeah.

I'm real... Concerned about school work. Like I know i needa study, then when I pick up my notes and as I look through and already see things I already know, I don't wanna study, I wanna watch tv, like now:P haha.

Yeah. Or I study when I suddenly see that there's very little time. Cuz maybe I suddenly feel motivated to. Or feel like I have to.

I wanna not be lazy. And yeah. Cannot slack, doesn't glorify God.

Anyway hunger games with my cell Flute later:))) more thoughts to come soon.

I just wanna Keri God in my heart

I feel like things are really wrong between me and God right now, i feel like i'm upset, I'm stressed already because I don't understand the bulk of some topics in my sciences. It's like no matter how hard I read through my notes, it just doesn't work out. Sometimes I wonder if I'm freaking out, or if I'm distracted or what, but either way and any way, it's really frustrating.

I don't know what to expect or think anymore and it feels like I'm flunking everything.

It doesn't help that at the back of my mind, i know that I have 4 CCAs(Student Council, thank God, Primers, CF and robotics) and yet I can't really blame the fact that I'm not doing well on my CCAs cuz i somehow think that by quitting them, it might not change my situatiobnn and 2 of them already demand so little of me.

I donno what to do. Maybe its right to start dropping them.

But either way, I really need to get my work back on track. REALLY.

And I don't know where to start. i was thinking tuition, but that'd take about 2 weeks. So yeah....

What upsets me the most is that i feel like I don't have joy in God like I should. The parable of the sower talks about how sometimes the word falls on thorns and the seeds grew but were quickly chocked and Jesus compared this to us, we hear the word of God but because of life's wories and struggles God's word doesn't grow. And that's how i feel right now.

I can't be joyful in God, deep inside of me there's a stress building up. And This is wrong, because shouldn't God be the source of my joy? yeah...

Its like I tried to revise today, i really did, then upon attempting some questions, it was HORRIBLE.

Ok, school tmr, nighties.

Tea Bags and Potted Plants

Hey guys, so today I had a very yummy jap buffet lunch with my family, but i was really tired cuz it was like Just after parade liddat. So I was really quite sleepy. Anyway my grandma and my mum were talking about some donno what thing about plants la.

And then My mum said she wanted to repot some of her plants like ooohhhh kkkk..... I'm not a very plant person and i'm really sleepy. What i do know is that you re-pot plants cuz their roots are wayy too big and wide and they're getting all restrained in the pot cuz its too small, then i thought about how plants needed a bigger pot then i thought... eh, plants shouldn't even be in a pot, they should be in the ground and be allowed to grow wherever their roots wanna grow.

But suddenly what came to my mind was how like, we're plants and we're growing and sometimes circumstances in our lives restrict how we grow as people, restrict how we behave, our mindsets and most of the time we'll never be able to reach our full potential of how we're supposed to be like.

Then like yeah. What are we supposed to do when we ca't grow to what we're supposed to be?? We compromise and our roots crumple up in the pots we're in. Sometimes I feel like that, like I'm not allowed to go out and do everything I want, and as a plant, my pots too small and I'm always restricted.

...

Tea bags.

So anyway i was really sleepy at the end of the yummilicious lunchy. So I thought to myself, oh yes, a cup of tea would be real nice. Got caffeine sommore, maybe keep me awake to do work when I get home.

So I grabbed a tea bag, and put it in the cup and then poured some hot water into the cup and then I saw the tea diffuse. Then I was like... whoa...(please keep in mind I was/am super tired) cuz the brown swirls in the transparent water made the whole transparent water brown!!!! Hehe.

Then i thought about how we as Christians sometimes are like tea. We have everything we need to know about God and living for Him, but sometimes God has to put us through sufferings and hard times like the hot water, only then can what's in us be seen and its through hard times that God uses us to change those around us.

Yeah. Sometimes maybe God puts us through a tough situation that may cause us to really need to 'diffuse' His love and teaching to all of those around us. At times it hurts, but His love and His teaching is innate in us, it just becomes more apparent and more potent in times of trouble.

Ok thats all :)

Hey Guyss

So school's been pretty fun lately:) If there's anything I should be, its grateful. Haha.

I enjoy changing class at every subject and slowly making friends with everyone in each class, haha its gonna eba slow process but some of my classes are quite bonded, WHOOHOO to lang and lit class and all the rubbish we undertake hehe.

Works starting to come in, we have IAs and essays and they have been teaching a lot of the sciences but I hope to keep up with it all. Still must go home and seriously read through notes cuz a lot of the time, it doesn't make any sense to me during class... sorry la, intelligence level not very high XD

I must say that everything in school has been great so far, although I've been telling myself that I'm really gonna use this week to review my notes of what I've learnt through this week.

I think God's provided me with friends, though not many who I can share some aspects of my life with. Although I won't lie because I do really miss the all girl environment in MG and being around girls. It's sometimes a lot more comfortable and i feel like i can share everything. I'm still praying for close female friends.

And yet at times in my life, i wonder if i really need close female friends. Well, i guess i do, to share and to learn, but even then, i went through MG without any superrrclosseee MG girls in particular. But life for me was still fine. I still have my brudders :D



May we last forever.

What praying for a friend once taught me was that God knows my need before I ask. And I won't need to pray for something extra.

But yeah... I really pray for friends who I'll get to bond with and grow together spiritually with through my AC years now. The past is in the past, but the past was great.

I'm learning to love people too. Cuz it isn't always as straightforward as I hoped it be la. But to love is to be more like God, so yes.

Freedom is another issue. My mother is being really strict lately and i really cannot tank it. I really really have been praying for freedom. She's giving me SIX outings a YEAR WHAT THE HECK RIGHT????

This kinda case really needa pray for her, cuz I NEVER only had 6 outings a year (min 12??)when i was in MG. Super needa pray for her.

Yesyes, c'est la vie

OOH i went back to MG today, CHECK THIS OUT!!!



Keri, Kenneth Yon, James WING:))) BRUDDERS

Haha. I'll update soon:) Life's fun for now being an AC kiddo.